Advice From My Inner Wisdom: How to Reignite Your Spark
Revisiting a Favorite Practice That Proves You Always Know What to Do
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There was a habit I got into, in the weeks before my ex-husband and I separated, where I would write letters to myself.
I was terrified by the thoughts that spiraled through my head, by the feelings that roiled through my body; by what I knew I needed to do, but was terrified to say out loud — to actually catalyze into action.
And I’m not sure where I’d first heard the suggestion — from
I’d respond to myself as myself, but from a sort of higher, farther-out-but-deeper-within, knowing place inside of me. I’d write and write and write until my hand just naturally stopped moving, and I’d read back what I’d written as if it had been authored apart from me.
I’d respond to myself as myself, but from a sort of higher, farther-out-but-deeper-within, knowing place inside of me.
It was how I got myself through the months surrounding my separation and eventual divorce; it was how I was able to trust what I already knew but felt terrified to do — by seeing it in black and white, in my own handwriting, scribbled across my journal.
I know it might sound strange, but it always felt both clearly connected to me and entirely disparate; as if I had some direct line to a future version of myself who knew how this would all work out (or rather, just knew that it would, if not how), even though just moments before my hands had been shaking as I wrote out what plagued me at the top of the page.
I’m certainly not in the same place now that I was back then, but I’ve been working through some old feelings of stagnancy, of being sort of unintentionally slowed down, and so I’ve been thinking of that practice a lot again lately; about how I can tap into that inner wisdom, higher knowing, future self — whatever you want to call it — for any areas of my life that still feel “stuck”.
And I thought it might be fun to bring the practice here to And Also! Like a personal advice column from the part of me I tapped into back then; the part of me that actually does always know what to do — and just needs to step back and listen.
I feel like I’ve lost my fire lately; like a pilot light that’s been snuffed out. (Not sure if that’s how pilot lights work, but go with me.) It isn’t burnout, I don’t feel particularly tired, I just feel like I’ve lost the energy to do a lot of the things that matter to me — work projects that felt promising, creative plans that used to excite me, professional opportunities that challenge and stretch me, and even just maintaining connection with the people I love. I’ve wondered if maybe I just feel stretched thin, but I don’t think that’s it either. I’m not feeling overwhelmed, I’m feeling listless, restless, aimless because I don’t really feel pulled toward any of these various directions. I know it’s alright to take a break, I know it’s okay to pause sometimes — but it feels uncomfortable because it doesn’t feel intentional; this isn’t rest, it’s stagnation. What should I do? How can I get my spark, my purpose, my fire back? (5.7.24)
Okay, I’m gonna be honest with you — this feels like a precipice. This feels like standing at the edge of the cliff, toes curled over the edge, slightly swaying back and forth as you . . . I wouldn’t say decide you’re going to jump (I think you’ve already made that decision), so much as gather that last bit of gumption that will effectively carry you over to the other side.
I know this feels like stagnation; I know it feels aimless because you’re swimming in a pool with many possible directions and making no discernible move towards any of them — but you are not stuck. If anything, I sense that you know how much your life is about to change and you’re (rightly, wisely) stopping to catch your breath.
You have been moving really fast, really far for a long while — even if it may not seem like it to you — and the inevitable butterfly effect of every step you’ve taken up until now is upon you. Consciously, that might feel really, really exciting. (It should!) But subconsciously, it could be terrifying.
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