How to Make Progress On What You Want Most
Instead of Pushing Through, Pause and Change Your Story
Thank you for reading And Also, a weekly newsletter featuring personal stories and things I've learned to help you navigate life ✨!
We’re back with another week of advice from my inner wisdom!
You may remember that last month I shared how to avoid making the “wrong” choice:
And many times, the fear I felt about making that change kept me stagnant so much longer than was necessary; the shame I felt about making the “wrong” decision made the experience so much harder than it needed to be.
If I had trusted myself more, I might’ve changed things sooner. I might’ve acted better. I might’ve made it easier — on myself and everyone else.
This week, I’m going back to a question I’ve asked myself many times over the years — and sharing the words I need to remind myself of whenever I bump up against this very familiar pattern.
I hope it’s exactly the reminder you need, too.
Why is it so hard to do the things I want to do most? I’ve dreamed of being a writer my entire life. I’ve envisioned writing books, connecting with readers, building a community of people who love literature as much as I do — and, for some reason, I can’t get myself to do what I need to do most: write. At least not consistently. I prioritize everything else: my day job, my relationships, reading other people’s writing, and yes, fine, scrolling through social media too. I’d like to think the problem is that I’m too busy, but really it’s like I’m subconsciously filling my time with everything but the thing I say I most want to do in the world. Why? Help.
I think there’s a popular misconception that the thing we want most in the world should come to us the easiest; that it should be the most natural thing in the world to write the book or find your forever person or build the business.
I thought that for a really long time! Clearly, I still think that sometimes.
But experience has shown me that the opposite is actually true — the more I want something, the more pressure I feel to make it real. And the more pressure I feel to make something real, the more I construct stories (or fall back on old ones) that keep me from actually making any moves toward it.
Underneath the day-to-day of working and relating and reading and scrolling, we’re all operating by innumerable invisible scripts that are directing so much more of our behavior than we often realize.
I’ve written about this before — about the unconscious narratives I’ve carried around who I had to be as a woman, a daughter, a partner, an employee, a writer; the narratives that told me I had to be attractive and well-behaved and smiling and exceptional and safe. Always safe.
That’s really all these narratives are trying to do — keep us safe.
Rooted in our childhood experiences (and often reaffirmed in adulthood), we’ve all crafted an idea of who and how we need to be loved, to stay connected, to belong. And sometimes — as strange as it sounds — going after the things we want most in the world seems to conflict with the stories we’ve constructed for our own survival.
Because going after what we actually want requires us to be bold, to take risks, to be radically true to our own desires and obsessions and ambitions. Going after what we want most requires not that we stay safe and small, but that we stand out.
Sometimes — as strange as it sounds — going after the things we want most in the world seems to conflict with those stories we’ve constructed for our own survival. Because it requires us to be bold, to take risks, to be radically true to our own desires and obsessions and ambitions. Going after what we want most requires not that we stay safe and small, but that we stand out.
I want to write a book. I want to write many books. But it wasn’t until last year, at 38 years old, that I wrote the first draft of a novel. I recently shared a personal essay on Instagram that I wrote and published 12 years ago. TWELVE! I haven’t pitched a single story for publication since. Yes, I write for work and I also write here — but the books I want to create? The longer, deeper stories I want to tell? For so much of my adult life, they’ve been pushed to the back burner.
How do I account for that cognitive dissonance; for the reality that I deeply desire this outcome and also avoid it at almost every opportunity? There’s an underlying story (not the kind I want to publish, unfortunately) that’s been trying to keep me safe; there’s something I feared would happen if I took this leap.
Maybe it’s that I’m afraid I’ll fail, so it’s safer to keep my dream as just that than to be deeply disappointed. Or maybe it’s that I’ll succeed and I’m wary of the attention and scrutiny and inevitable judgment I’ll receive.
(Spoiler: It’s all of the above and then some for me!)
Whatever the case may be, actually making progress on what you most want to do requires getting clear not on what you want or on everything you should be doing to get it — but on what you’re afraid will happen if you do.
Ask yourself: What bad thing could happen if my dream comes true? Why is my subconscious trying to keep me safe?
. . . actually making progress on what you most want to do requires getting clear not on what you want or on everything you should be doing to get it — but on what you’re afraid will happen if you do.
And then: What are some ways (big and small) — I can begin to face that fear, to change that story, to show myself that, while it may not always feel easy or natural — it’s actually necessary, to try something new?
Because when you stay true to what you desire, you get a life that’s more than just safe. You get growth, you get freedom, you get grit.
And you might even get everything you really want.
P.S. To continue putting this work into practice, try some of the exercises I shared here. ↓
Practical Ways to Try for What You Actually Want
ICYMI
Last week’s I wrote about ambition; about acknowledging what we put it toward and being more intentional about how we use it. If you hadn’t had a chance to check it out yet, click the link to “Read full story” below and let me know in the comments if and how you’ve been recalibrating your own ambition ✨
On Recalibrating Your Ambition
Have you ever struggled with the cognitive dissonance of procrastinating on pursuing your big dreams — and how did you get unstuck? Feel free to share your own tips in the comments on Substack.
Jenna, I'm so glad you raised this topic of 'pushing through.' Hope you're well this week. Cheers, -Thalia